A letter to my love

Writing

Nizamuddin east New Delhi 

April, 2016

Aurangzeb Lane

New Delhi 

To

The love of my life

Dear Love,

I write this to you

In hopes of good health

That I know is already there

For the mental scars you brush off

And the physical bruises you hide

I know every inch

Every colour 

Every length 

Every time 

I hope your parents are well

I know it is difficult 

For you and them

To adjust 

To all the changes life

Is throwing at you

So mercilessly 

How is your brother?

I see your relationship evolve 

From can’t live with

To can’t survive without 

I hope he has carved 

A little niche for himself 

As he wanted

Distance

Sometimes 

Truly is a blessing

And finally 

How are you?

I seem to hear nothing at all

How is the person that taught

So many people 

How to live fearlessly 

Living their life?

Have you garnered the strength 

For yourself

That you dutifully lend 

To those around?

Have you mustered up the laughter

That isn’t just a facade 

The laughter that comes

From deep within your blue soul

The one you always invoke 

From every person you see?

Have those stunning hazel eyes

Shed tears that they should 

But cannot

Because they are busy crinkling 

When you smile

While wiping off another’s?

Have the strong shoulders 

You possess 

Sagged in defeat 

After holding up

The weight of others expectations?

Have those gentle hands

Held a pen

A pick

Or your distressed face 

Lately? 

I miss you

Your voice 

That soothes my pain, my worries

Better than any medicine can

Like a wave that washes away

The remains of any destruction 

Left on shore 

By those less thoughtful 

Less caring 

Less loving 

Less

In every way possible 

Than you 

Take care of yourself 

You deserve more

Than what I give

And I deserve none

Of what I get 

But I cannot leave you be

You make me selfish 

Our souls are too intertwined 

Our connection too strong

Physical presence 

Is just an add on

When one heart

Can feel the cracking of another

From miles

And miles

And miles

away

I hope you will think about what

I have

And am trying 

to convey 

That you are not alone

That you have my undying love

Loyalty 

Gratitude 

Faith

And thanks

For I am what I am today

Whatever little it may be

Because of you

Because of everything 

You have made me

Big changes await you and I 

It is a trial

One bigger than others

We have conquered 

Together 

Tumbling And struggling 

But we are too stubborn 

Too proud 

Too stupid

To let anything waiver us

Who we are

As people

Two individuals

Stuck 

Together

Say hi to your parents for me

I hope they haven’t forgotten 

The face

That landed in their domain

Ever so often

But doesn’t 

Anymore 

Due to life

Being as it is

Give my love to your family

For they are my own

I’ll await your reply

Ever so eagerly 

Thanking you

As always

Yours truly

Bunny

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So I recently did an Ad for Clean and Clear, which was absolutely insane.

For those of you who don’t know, Clean and Clear is brand that manufactures beauty related products such as face washes and creams. C&C India have a tie up with The Danceworx, a dance academy I have a scholarship at, so they went to all our studios – we’ve got many around Delhi and some in Mumbai – and held open auditions.

Now, originally, I wasn’t planning on giving the audition for some unfathomable reason, until one of my instructors and my siblings forced me to give it with them.

I was one of the 30 girls to get selected, and after the dress rehearsal, one of the remaining 10.

The shooting for that 30 second Ad started from 5 am to 4 am the next day. From finding the perfect hair, makeup and clothes for each girl to feeding them and making sure they’re comfortable along with the constant touch ups, everything was done in abundance.

The set, the people, the props..all contributing to an amazing experience; My first professional shoot.

Him

Writing

I watch him touch her arm, a gentle, soft caress. She looks at him with that familiar, tender look in her eyes, the one that was once reserved only for me. I watch the way she brushes his hair out of his eyes, a brush of skin, nothing more. The way he smiles a little at the contact makes my heart twist. Clench. Ready to explode. He leans into her warmth, and she holds him closer, tighter. Their bodies melding into one. Nothing else matters, nothing else exists. Not the people rushing around, smiling at the moment they’re sharing together, the isolated emotion, not the sounds, the smells or anything in between or beyond. Her eyes are fixed on him, shining with unshed tears of pure love and joy. Content. She is content next to him, with him nearby. Her heart is finally at peace after all the pain she went through, with me, to reach this point. He shuffles a bit in her embrace, catching and twisting a lock of her ebony hair. I watch as a soft laugh escapes her beautiful lips, the way her hand comes up to hold his wrist and I feel another tug at my heart. Somebody brushes past me, causing me to take a step forward, towards her; them. She looks away from the boy. She was always so beautiful, her features so serene, even without the shadows and liners she insisted on putting on. Her face was bare, today. But she didn’t need anything. We lock eyes. Her cheeks flushed a rosy pink, her coffee coloured eyes bright and round in surprise. Every emotion I feel is mirrored on her face, words need not be spoken. I stare at her, shamelessly. He shifted again, calling her attention back to him, she looked away from me hastily. He wrapped himself around her, content with finally having gained her attention and I saw another soft smile erupt on her face. Another tug. And then, she looked at me, beckoning me forward, into their private little moment. I stared at him, stunned. He was so at peace with her, as I always was, and I wanted nothing more to leave, but I wasn’t sure if I should. She studied my perplexed state, beckoning me forward once more. Someone brushed past me once again, snapping me out of my reverie, and I walked slowly towards them. He turned to me, sensing my presence. A set of familiar eyes looked back at me. I sucked in a breath. We stared at each other for a moment, unmoving, unblinking. The tugging now stronger than ever. The link between us smiled and shifted.

And then,

I held my son for the first time.

It’s my first time writing anything like this, and I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you would like to see me write anything similar to this in any way again, or have any feedback or comments at all, please do feel free to let me know. Thankyou for reading!

Editing Credits: Akash Ricky Chakraborty 

Check out his blog, he’s amazing. 

https://rickywastaken.wordpress.com/

With love

Writing

My love for you is like a thousand condensed suns that burn the tiny, fragile person they have been fitted inside, right down to her core. Warm and overwhelming, always shining through with its intensity and power. Its like the infinity that many may want but may not get, eternal and whole in nature.

Its the first breeze on a hot summer day, calm and soothing. Like, the first kiss shared between two lovers that had never truly realized the intensity of their feelings until that very moment, passionate and heartfelt. Its like the first few drops of rain in after an unending drought, needed and wholly rejoiced.

Like the stars and the moon and the sun and the sky, bound by eternity. It is like the mother that holds her child for the first time, tender, overwhelming. It’s dew drops that race down your window and fascinate you as a child, the sigh of relief when your stress dissolves.

My love for you, is like nothing I have ever felt before. It is me, it is my whole. My body, mind and soul. My limbs, my heart. My mind, my flesh. My bones, my lungs. My love for you drowns me in every sorrow, every pain and every elation known to man.
My love for you is the universe, explored, but the surface barely scratched. The love that cannot be defined, described or denied in any way, shape or form. So, my love for you, is stuck in similes and smiles, languish and laughter, wonder and wanderlust, daydreams and dread.
Yes, my love for you is like a thousand condensed suns that burn the tiny, fragile person they have been fitted inside, right down to her very core.


Editing credits: Akash Ricky Chakraborty.

You should check out his blog, he’s amazing. 

‘Ricky was taken’ : https://rickywastaken.wordpress.com/

Full

Writing

This is just a spur of the moment thing. It’s raw, unedited emotion. It’s not that good, not by any means, but it’s honest. And I hope that more than makes up for it.

***I’m bursting at the seams

I don’t know what to say

What to write

I don’t know what this feeling is

Is this what bliss feels like?

Utter and complete bliss

It’s funny, you know

I never thought I’ll feel this way

Those days

Those days I couldn’t think about much

Those days I couldn’t think beyond 

Or get beyond

Why I existed 

If there was any reason

Any meaning 

And I’ve found it

And I’ve found them

And I’m so full

I’m so

Full

Of love 

Of passion 

Of inspiration 

Where is this coming from

I don’t understand 

Is this what bliss feels like?

I’ve never felt it before

I’m coloured pink

I’m coloured red

I’m shaking and smiling

And laughing 

And my eyes are soft

And my heart turned into mush

Am I still smiling?

I am

It’s a beautiful feeling 

This

This, really is

All the sadness in the world

It hardly seems fair

Why would anyone choose to hate

When this

This

This is how they could feel

This is how they could be

This is the passion and excitement 

And love

That they could live with every day

This

I don’t understand it

Other than the fact that it makes me

So completely 

So fully happy

I don’t know much about it

I’m lucky

I don’t know

Is this what bliss feels like?

It’s a high

It’s addictive 

I never want to come down

I love

I have so much love

To give 

To you

To them

To everyone 

I think I’m crazy

I think I like it

I think you much agree

I don’t know

Is this what bliss feels like?

Because if it is

I don’t want anything else in the world

Caterpillar

Writing

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The caterpillar moved slowly
At its timely pace
The bugs moved faster
They pushed and pulled
Much to its disgrace
It saw the other caterpillars
Working on their cocoon
The picture was oh so pretty
They’d be perfect soon
It worked and worked
And worked some more
To build a cocoon like them
But alas, it kept breaking
And the butterflies had already
Hatched till then
So it saw them fly
Their colours alive
Now it worked even harder
The butterflies taunted
Wings were flaunted
How high could it strive?
The caterpillar started to lose itself
Amongst its cheery counterparts
So much was expected of it
It wanted to succeed
But didn’t know where to start
The cocoon kept breaking
It tired itself out
It would reach halfway and smile
Only to be told it wasn’t good enough
After a while
The leaf it chose was flaky
Its parents trust in it was shaky
Never pretty
Never good
Never working
Never would
300 days it spent
Trying to live up to everything expected
It’s confidence bent
No growth
No motivation
No love
Hell sent
The caterpillar stopped and stared
At the butterflies
And then itself
They were dreamlike
It was impaired
But the closer it looked
The clearer it saw
Their colours were hollow
Scarred and raw
The antennas bent
Black souled eyes
One leg less
Bent wings
Much to its surprise
It saw them flutter
Around eachother
Masking all their flaws
Their broken cocoons
And homebound leaves
Had just been hiding
Their fatal claws
So the caterpillar stopped
And took one more look
At everything it thought it knew
It decided how it was now
Was for the best
And with that
His confidence grew
It listened, still
To their heavy taunts
Now a little more sure
Of itself
And what it wants
It still moved slowly
At it’s timely pace
Not ashamed of its flaws
No love lost
No disgrace
And so it worked
On it’s own cocoon
Ignoring the unfinished bugs
That hatched too soon
It’s determination grew
It found support
A little more steady now
Ready to make it’s fort
So it spun and spun
And spun some more
Content with the thought
Of having a stronger base
Than the rest
And that in the future
His colours would be
The brightest of the lot.

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Flip side

Writing

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A kiss in the rain 

A laugh in silence 

Water in the desert

 Peace amongst violence 

 A hug in pain 

A smile so foreign 

 Laughter lines amongst wrinkles

 The loss in gain 

A clover within leaves 

 A splash of colour

 A blush with the tears

 Something new to discover

 A friend amongst enemies 

 The moon along the stars 

 The black in white 

Stories behind the scars 

 The lies in the truth 

 The holes in a dress 

 The thorns in a bush 

A saddened cheek to caress

 The beautiful in the ugly 

 The wrong in the right 

 The go in the stop 

The weakness in might 

 The crazy in the sane 

The pretend in true 

The tainted in pure 

The old and the new 

The silver in gold 

 The hate in love 

 The diamond in the coal 

False hopes from above 

The conservative in modern 

The adult once a child 

The wood in metal 

The outrageous in the mild 

The starvation in fullness 

The paper and the stone 

The breath of death 

Flesh and bone

 The right in the left 

The wet in the dry 

The no in the yes 

The agreement in an outraged cry 

Heads and tails

 Sweet and sour 

Dull and bright 

Shorts and veils 

 Now and then 

The give and the take

 Yes, these are the thoughts 

 That keep me awake

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In sickness and health

Writing

Let’s get one thing very very clear- there is nothing fun about being sick. No, not even the elation that comes with being able to miss school or work is worth the feeling of being complete crap. At. All.
You usually feel groggy, undernourished, fussy, sleepy, tired, pukey, the works. It’s like having a hangover that lasts for a week, minus the fun that proceeded before hand.
It sucks.
And in all honesty, most of us can’t really take care of ourselves in this state. All we do is poop and sleep and have someone force feed us.
But who are these people? The people that put up with the shit we put them through, just because we feel like cow poop?
The people that love us.
For some people it’s their parents, for some their spouses, and for some just their friends.
All of these have one thing in common: they love you and want to see you get better.
I don’t get sick often, but I do get stuck with colds on a regular basis, which sucks. I like to think I’m not very difficult to take care of, but who am I kidding? We all are.
We never feel like eating.
We get annoyed when someone asks.
We fuss over what to eat when we finally agree.
Only to have a few bites and fall asleep.
Being sick is frustrating, but being the care taker is even more so.
I’ve seen my mother with my brother when he’s ill, and I’ve seen her with me when I am. We’re two very different people and generally don’t see eye to eye. We argue, we fight, we sulk…the usual. But the minute anything happens to either my brother or I, everything changes.
It’s not just my mother, I myself have felt extremely stressed out and worried when my friends or someone else I love has gotten ill. It’s infuriating when they don’t listen to you, the feeling of helplessness when they refuse to eat or drink or take medicine, is unparalleled. They’re not in the right state of mind, and you just want to see them get better.
A lot of people don’t have these little angels looking after them, so the next time you fall ill, and someone tries to take care of you, try not being so stubborn.
And please, appreciate them.
A simple thankyou makes a world of difference to someone that’s taking care of you so selflessly. A simple thankyou makes a world of difference even when you’re NOT sick. Because that’s not the only time they care about you.
Trust me.
They love you,
In sickness and in Health.

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Indecisiveness

Writing

I’m not sure what I’m going to write about today, in all honesty. I’m torn between too many great ideas…or just ideas in general. Cause let’s be honest, a post saying “too much sugar in your coffee can kill you” isn’t exactly what one wants to read. Unless you’re a health fanatic, in which case I admire AND pity you, because you miss out on stuff like this and find it in you to not complain:

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I haven’t decided a name for this post or anything of that sort, but after looking at that beautiful picture, my brain started producing some productive juices, along with my salivary glands. So today, I am going to write about something that has plagued me ever since I was 5 and being forced to chose between the strawberry lollipop and the blueberry one.
indecisiveness

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I think everyone at one point or another has gone through this rather gruesome thinking process.
What should I do?
Is this right?
Is the other one right?
This seems right but what if I’m wrong?
I may regret this
Should I just go for it or no?
It’s torturous. It’s time consuming, it’s annoying,
It’s inevitable
Everyone goes through this, but the thing is, different people have different levels of indecisiveness. It does not plague some as much as it does others.
Strong personalities, with a more solid moral compass, generally don’t face indecisiveness. I’m not saying that they don’t AT ALL, just less frequently than us other unlucky potatoes. Then there are people with a fairly good moral or spiritual compass, who experience it a little more than the former and get by without much psychological damage.
And then there’s people like me.
People that are trapped in this inescapable web of madness. We are plagued, annoyed and frustrated too often for the people around us to bear, let alone us.
I’m not saying that we lack morals or spirituality or anything of that sort, not at all. I actually think that it’s our high regard for both these things that get us into trouble. The fear of regret and the former along with other things, tend to make us re-think even basic decisions.
“Which toffee? Chocolate or raspberry?”
“Man, I haven’t had chocolate in forever, but I do love raspberry, but that one looks better, I haven’t really tried the other one. What if it’s disgusting? Uh..The vendor is looking at me distainfully now..”
At which point we start sweating nervously and just cross out fingers and pick any one.
Personally, my thought before taking any decision now has become ‘fuck it’
And let me tell you something- it works.
Why do you stress yourself out so much? Why are we so afraid of regret? You made a decision, you’ll have to live with it either way and that’s the harsh reality. Now, the question is, do you really want to live in fear all your life? Or do you just want to do something that makes you feel good, disregarding the outcome? I’m not telling you to go completely bonkers and kill that girl that insulted your shoes or whatever, but I’m not saying that you should sit around and brood trying to figure out if you want to say something to her or not.
You don’t have to be so afraid of everything. Do what feels right and try to live without regrets. Think of it this way “hey, I made a decision, it felt good at the time even though things haven’t turned out so great. It’s okay, I made a mistake. It won’t last forever. I’ll just be more careful next time”
BAM. THATS IT.
Thats all there’s to it.
Trust me, any decision you make, right or wrong, will be yours alone. There is no need to regret.
It’ll be over soon.
Unfortunately good, or fortunately bad.
Everything passes.
This shall, too.

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